Emotional Pessimism

The world needs more emotional pessimists. 

It always surprises me when someone tells me they sleep well at night. I only stopped to ask myself why the other day when a Cuban taxi driver told me he never has nightmares, never has worries, and never has problems falling asleep at night. 

Since I was a kid I remember having issues falling asleep. A racing mind with the tasks I have to do tomorrow, a fixation on the light flashing outside my window or the noise of the cars passing by, a nightmare that abruptly wakes me and leaves me drenched in sweat; nights when I don’t sleep at all, because I can’t close my eyes without seeing the problems that the light of day will bring. 

I’m an emotional person. When I cry, I cry; When I’m angry, I’m angry; When I’m happy--I’m really happy. My emotions consume me. I live in moments the positive emotions bring and burn them until they are gone. The negative emotions bring storms that twirl around in my head and demand an immediate response. I treat them as a problem that needs to be fixed and nothing else matters until they are resolved. This approach has got me into trouble time and time again. Fights that didn’t need to be started, words that didn’t need to be said. I’m learning sometimes it is best to weather the storm until it dies out before sending in the National Guard. 

I’ve had people tell me throughout my life that my deep feelings are a sign of immaturity. I think I can always find better ways of handling my emotions just as anyone else can find ways of developing themself as a person, but my attitude towards life couldn’t be farther from needing to be changed. We all have different outlooks on life and our own ways of approaching life’s obstacles. Some people are more logical, some people are more emotional. Some people are more optimistic, some people are more pessimistic. 

A more logical person calculates: what’s best for me; what’s the easiest way of doing this; what make more sense to do in this situation. Decisions are calculated by lists, by weighing the positive and negative outcomes (which may or may not include the feelings of others). Very structured and less messy. 

A more emotional person asks themselves: what feels right; what will make me happier; what is the right thing to do. 

Decisions are likewise calculated but emotions being the scale and positive ones holding the most weight. Not an exact science and very personal. 

This dichotomy briefly explains how these logically or emotionally dominate people make decisions, however, it doesn’t explain their perspective on life. Depending on if we view life more optimistically or more pessimistically will dictate the things we make decisions on in the first place. An optimist isn’t going to look for the problems in or surrounding his or her life to address (whether in a logical or emotional manner); a true pessimist, on the other hand, already sees every possible problem surrounding them and every possible problem that COULD surround them before most see any potential issues at all. 

What I am is an emotional pessimist. I worry about everything there is to possibly worry about. If I were more logical my life would be much easier. All the negative possible outcomes of life decisions could be viewed with some sense of rationality but, instead, they surge a rush of preoccupied emotions that mud the mind. I’ve tried to rewire my brain to at least be more optimistic. There always seems to be a lot of bullshit on the web filled with mantras saying how positivity can change your life--that viewing things optimistically will bring you true happiness. Now I don’t think that idea is wrong; however, there seems to be the condition that negative thoughts must be avoided at all costs. What I’ve noticed from people who preach and try to practice this outlook on life is that they would rather blow a bubble of ignorance around their glowingly optimistic faces then face any hard realities of the world. 

...I just can’t do it. 

I like to look for everything that could be wrong or could go wrong. I like to study what’s wrong with the world because how else could I make it better if I didn’t? For me it’s not enough to “imagine all the people [finish quote].” Because that’s not real and it will never be real. I’m a dreamer but my dreams are of making the dirt more fertile not of building a castle in the clouds. 

The world needs more people who can’t sleep at night. People to worry about the shit no one else even bothered to think about. To worry, because if we were logical, our drive to do something about the problems of our life and the lives of others wouldn’t burn hot enough to keep us going and to inspire action. The world needs more people who understand that the lotus will only grow out of the mud. The world needs more emotional pessimists.